I have been told by other people in the past that I am not very good at hiding my emotions. I suppose I have to settle for not being very good at hiding my emotions. I suppose it is impossible for me to hide that I am anxious, angry, and unhappy seemingly most of the time because that seems to be what society wants (and there seem to be plenty of vigilantes ensuring that is the case; people who monitor me closely and stealthily and who are skilled at undermining my efforts to be happy). As weak as this sounds, I suppose I have no choice but to surrender to being perpetually miserable because I clearly am outnumbered by people who are more socially connected than I am and have more economic power than I have. Because of such people, I will likely remain destitute and functionally homeless for the rest of my life. I think it is best to give up on expecting the world to become more like how I want it to be as time progresses because there is no guarantee that the world will become more like how I want it to be. I think I should pretend that the way Planet Earth and the human civilization it contains will not get significantly more enjoyable for me than this. In fact, I think I should imagine that my future is going to become progressively bleaker and more excruciating for me. That means I might as well give up on doing much more than the bare minimum to get by and consider most forms of reaching out to others a waste of time (because most persons only care about themselves even while doing a convincing job of appearing to care for others). I decided to cut the crap and not make any pretenses about being a particularly altruistic person. In fact, part of my “name brand” is displaying how unabashedly self-centered and stingy with my resources I am so that other people do not get the wrong idea and think that I am some kind of wannabe saint who is here to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, and educate the illiterate.
In the previous journal entry I published, I flippantly used the word “chauvinist”. It has been suggested to me that I simply feel unhappy about being a female human instead of a male human. I am actually happy to be housed in the exact human body I am even though it is a female human body. I think I am a lot freer than most women are because of the time and place I was born and raised. Compared to many people, I have a lot of civil liberties by law and access to some of the best geographic, economic, and intellectual opportunities in human history because I live in the San Francisco Bay Area of Northern California at the advent of the Age of Information. This might be as good as human civilization ever gets before it regresses into third world country conditions due to war, economic imbalances, overpopulation, and environmental destruction. I am happy to have a female genome because I think that I am more genetically advantaged than I would be if I had a human male genotype to survive diseases and to live a long time. I also have the advantage of being able to access transgendered hormone treatment to induce male secondary sexual phenotypal characteristics which I strongly believe have and will continue to enhance my sense of power, ease of mobility, bodily autonomy, and intellectual independence. I am grateful that I have as much control over my body as I currently do. I have little else which I can control with very much precision other than my websites.
Anyway, I am going to try to quickly move on from the adversity I have dealt with in the recent and distant past. Future journal entries are likely going to be much more boring and focused on computer science and popular science news than the melodrama which has taken up most of the web pages which are part of the Karbytes 2022 Journal section of this website (i.e. the website named Karbytes For Life Blog dot WordPress dot Com).
Goodbye for now.
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Something terrible happened to me: within the past hour I lost the $100 rain-proof, wind-proof, and snow-proof jacket which I ordered from Amazon a few months ago. I do feel that “the world” is conspiring against me such that I feel deprived of comfort, ease of mobility, and political power. I feel that “the world” is forcing me to have nothing but skimpy, flimsy clothing to wear so that I do not feel good and so that I look like I am not able to weather the elements as well as I should.
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Good News: I found my “luxury” outdoor jacket in one of the places I left it at.
Bad News: When I called my mom asking for a little more money so I can buy some things to make me feel better, she said no because she gave me extra money yesterday when I asked for for money to purchase new headphones. I did not use the money for headphones. Instead, I used it only for food and paying my phone bill. I will go ahead and tell the guy who is waiting on me for money that I am running low on money and cannot afford to give any way and just deal with whatever the consequences of that will be.
One more time: Goodbye for now.
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I decided to delete my most recent social media posts (i.e. the ones about how I would give away psychedelics for free to the first people who sign up for it). I decided that I will leave my social media accounts (i.e. Twitter, Instagram, and Minds) “frozen” with the picture of Lake Chabot being the most recent post until I get Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com entirely up to date (and I intend to do that before the end of the year). The next journal entry after this will keep track of the date and times at which I update each web page of Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com in some kind of table-like format. Lastly, I also told the person who I said I would transfer $60 to via Xoom that I got into legal trouble and lost my welfare checks and only have food stamps for the time being as a “white lie”. He sent me pictures and messages about how he and his siblings are struggling to find food and now dealing with a bloody foot wound. Meanwhile, my mom silently transferred me $30 about ten minutes after I called her on the phone. I texted her, “Thank you for the thirty.” I do not know if I will have money tomorrow or any other day in the future. My “white lie” might be closer to reality than I want it to be. I may end up having to beg, go to homeless shelters, or even steal food (but I do not expect things to get that ratchet so long as I do my best to spend as little money as possible). I suppose this is the point where I have to say, “Beggars cannot be choosers.” It would be nice to have the dignity of a job so that I do not have to be a beggar, but I do not have that “luxury” and I do believe that is largely because the government is using me as a token poor person for experimental purposes (and that is why they are keeping all of my employment applications on hold indefinitely).
Again, and hopefully for real this time: Goodbye for now.
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