I feel better after sitting beneath the starry night sky for a bit and eating some good, clean plant-based food (which is delicious, nutritious, and full of calories because I need the energy). That psychotronic voice which I gave the moniker Pig Gorl was speaking some sense tonight (and I noticed that she is not as annoying when I get away from the BART station and shopping areas). I think she “morphs” into a caricature of a bratty teenage girl when I am near where I would spend money and she is less obnoxious when I get away from those busy public areas. Anyway…
The point of this little intermission of a blurb is to suggest that my “enemies” (whether they are in my imagination, the product of a government-run simulation, or real human beings other than myself) know that what would make me feel better is to finish updating my primary website (i.e. Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com) so that I can say that my “homework” for the year is done and now I can focus on taking on new projects (including adding new pages to my primary website in a more spontaneous and inspired manner). If if were not for the interference of my “enemies”, I probably would have the primary website up to date by now. I noticed that I have been forced to endure excruciating torture from having to strain to concentrate on tasks which are already more mentally taxing than are most people’s hobbies (and certainly something a token poor person is not supposed to have the energy, patience, and motivation for). Perhaps people want me to get used to just waiting for free resources so that I am low-maintenance (i.e. cheap to maintain and content to just pass time lounging and waiting to be told what to do and waiting to be offered resources which I apply for and patiently wait for). I think that I am being discouraged from having rigorous personal hobbies and even intense trains of thought because it defies the stereotype of someone who is only accustomed to being a homeless person (and seemingly one who is not ever allowed at any point in the future to graduate from being destitute and/or in excruciating agony as a result of not being allowed to pursue my interests in peace). To put it bluntly, I think that people oppose me doing anything other than behaving and thinking like a homeless person. That is why I am being harassed severely by my “enemies” every time I attempt to sit down to work on my “homework”.
Some people (i.e. Group A) say I should give into my “enemies” demands to stay more mentally and physically inactive than I want to be (and need to be in order to finish the update of my primary website). Some people (i.e. Group B) say I should do my best to tolerate my “enemies” harassing me while I work on my projects. I am much more inclined to do what Group B suggests rather than what Group A suggests. Even as I do what Group B suggests, I seem to hardly be able to get more than two hours of solid work done each day (even while skimping on sleep) because the harassment from my “enemies” is so distracting and upsetting to me that I feel that I have to spend more than 90% of my time, energy, and money merely managing my mood and preventing myself from regressing into destructive reactionary behavior like I did earlier today.
As I write this note, I see people sitting on the side of the road with their high beams on (seemingly to infuriate me and to let me know that they are staring at me and trying to make me feel uncomfortable). I resent having to get up and move away from the line of sight of my “enemies” so often. Those people have been glaring at me for more than ten minutes. I believe they are definitely trying to upset me and make me feel depressed and deprived of the opportunity to relax, feel good, and focus on my personal business.
Pig Gorl is getting annoying again. How annoying she is seems to be a function of how harassed I feel by real people in my environment.
I just heard Pig Gorl say one thing and then, within a minute later, something contradictory. The first thing she said was, “When are you gonna getta job?” The second thing she said was, “We don’t want you to work because we want you to be miserable.” Perhaps what she means is that she wants me to do nothing but curl up in a ball and cry, writhe in agony, and otherwise act more visibly upset, downtrodden, crippled, and pathetic until I get a job. She just said (like she has many times within the past month), “You’re too insecure to get a job.” I have applied to jobs within the past month but I only applied to non customer service jobs. I suppose what Pig Gorl is trying to insinuate is that the only jobs she wants me to apply for are customer service jobs because such jobs are torture for me (because I generally do not enjoy small talk, making eye contact with people, and being around chatty people (especially young kids) and I do not enjoy having to be so hyper focused on how I appear to others). By contrast, warehouse jobs seem a lot less barbaric for someone with my rather asocial and highly sensitive temperament. Having to be “tuned into” other people for long periods of time makes me feel deprived of the right to think and the right to not have to carefully control my body language. I do not think Pig Gorl wants me to be offered the job I applied for with Amazon because that job would give me plenty of time off (i.e. guaranteed three-day weekends) and I would not have to miss sleep because the shifts are limited to daytime hours only at a pay rate of at least $17 per hour. (It is very hard to sleep during the day because shade is scant and people are noisy and people seem to go out of there way to deprive me of sleep during the daytime).
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