02_SEPTEMBER_2022: It is a miracle that I am able to do more than the bare minimum to survive. As soon as I open my eyes after sleeping, I am relentlessly bombarded with cruel, ugly, inspiration-blocking psychotronic harassment which I find so horrifyingly tortuous that I have felt the need to lie awake in my sleeping bag for hours just to ensure that I have a modicum of breathing room to enjoy the remnants of pleasure which I only seem to get through having dreams or through not having to be awake in this relentlessly anti-Karlina torture-soaked waking life. I realize that I will have to keep fighting tooth and nail for the right to be able to sleep.
I want to be able to focus my mind on my breathing and establish a productive mindfulness meditation practice but the police keep trying to sabotage that by superimposing ugly and drama-mongering noises on top of my breathing noises. With each journal entry I publish in this website, I think that I am getting more direct about what I am trying to communicate: the way I am being severely psychologically tortured and deprived of what I think should never be deprived of: the right to practice my spirituality so long as I do not inflict harm on others in order to do so. The police are acting as though me practicing mindfulness meditation is unlawful or unsafe while I think that me practicing mindfulness meditation is one of the safest and healthiest things I can do because it is helping me to have more of sense of control over my life (and the more control I feel that I have over my life, the less threatened I feel and the less I feel the need to be in “fight or flight” mode). The police seem to think that I deserve to be in constant “fight or flight” mode instead of able to make my nervous system more stress resistant and my quality of life more enjoyable.
I am honestly panicking as I write this (and I have been panicking ever since “the voices” started in early 2019) about being deprived of the right to use my own mind and body as a source of comfort, peace, and sense of empowerment through unlocking its capacities through meditation. This is arguably worse than being locked up in jail because I am being cut off from the right to be there for myself as my own best friend because some ugly and drama-mongering caricature keeps cutting me off from being able to pay attention to my own thoughts and feelings.
I just want the torture to stop. I just want my mind and body back. I want these things so badly I feel that I am being pushed to have a dramatic nervous breakdown for other people’s fetishist and sadistic and retributive amusement. Even if I have that kind of nervous breakdown I might not get my body and mind back. Other people tell me that I should look into getting a schizophrenia diagnosis whenever I bring this up even when I am convinced that this is from other people interfering with my nervous system in an intrusive and extremely inhumane way.
What I wrote about in this journal is why I am seriously contemplating committing suicide sooner rather than later. The police seem to think that I deserve to be prevented from using my mind and body to do the things I really want to do so that I am forced to do whatever the police want (and what the police seem to want is to use me as someone to bully, experiment on, and extract information through). People in general seem to think that, as long as no one but me is severely troubled or inconvenienced by the psychotronic harassment I am going through, it is perfectly fine to let it continue because I am treated by other people as though I am effectively dead and that my body is just a meat puppet for the police to control and that my sentience deserves to be treated as a vestigal “object” that deserves to be pushed aside, silenced, paralyzed, and diminished until there is almost nothing left; no memories from long ago and no sense that there ever was anything in that “object” which was reminiscent of a personality other than what the military-industrial complex engineered and superimposed over the original personality.
I think that other people are content to treat me like I am a hostage in my own body; conscious but not allowed to communicate interpersonally or even intrapersonally; not even able to follow its own train of thoughts before getting abruptly cut off by the police who do not want that train of thoughts to reach some satisfying conclusion. What it looks like is that no one but myself is seriously invested in saving myself from being overwritten by the dumbed-down, drone-like personality which the military-industrial complex created to take over my mind mind and body completely (and in a way which seems to evade other people’s detection since I was first socially isolated for years so that almost no one would know that such an operation was taking place because I have had very little contact with friends and family over the past three years). To make matters worse, I cannot help but conclude that, deep down, my family members and friends are okay with this operation taking place and they are not willing to talk about this situation with me openly and honestly because they would rather pretend that they do not know that it is happening and tell me that I probably have some kind of mental illness which is the sole cause of the voices I hear inside my head which do not sound like my own. (They seem deaf to me suggesting that the voices I hear could be the result of microwave auditory effect. Perhaps people generally only selectively respond to what they feel comfortable paying attention to and reflexively ignore information which does not fit their comfort-seeking agenda).
Am I in an emergency? For the sake of not inviting the police to bully me further, I would say no (i.e. that I am not in any kind of emergency). I am not in a situation where I feel that I am about to die or be seriously physically harmed. I do not even feel that I am being deprived of basic necessities such as food, clothing, housing, basic medical treatment, and even access to employment. Therefore, I must pretend that I have all that I could ever desire because if I want for anything more, I am afraid that I will be sorely disappointed by how little I am allowed to attain more than just baseline homeostasis.
To be honest, I think that I have been suffering more than I have been feeling euphoric (though some people would argue otherwise). After being exposed to enough suffering, I adapted to being able to interpret suffering as a weirdly satisfying source of pleasure. Sadly, the police seem to be opposed to me being able to transform pain into pleasure. Hence, they try to prevent me from doing flow yoga and meditation. Rather than be able to enter a peaceful and exhilarating trance where I go through a flow sequence of yoga poses, my attempts to do anything in a meditative manner get sabotaged by the police and what I do ends up feeling robbed of naturalistic joy, beauty, and comfort and instead, infiltrated with unhappiness, ugliness, and jarring discomfort such that the sense of being able to ride the current of my body and mind’s vitality is replaced with the sense of having to fight too hard for what I think should be free: the right to breathe without having to keep holding my breath just so that I do not have to hear that little girl nag and insult me for a few more seconds.
Sometimes I feel like yelling for help to the open sky but I feel that there is no one there to help me and that there is nothing that can be done to give me the relief I desperately want other than to stop the psychotronic harassment. I do not think there is anywhere I can go on Planet Earth (or at least in the United States of America) where I can escape this psychotronic harassment. If drones and satellites are the source of that pychotronic harassment, traveling to foreign countries might not be sufficient to stop the psychotronic harassment because it will follow me wherever I go.
The suffering I go through I think is worse than being raped and worse than any crime I have ever committed. Sometimes I think that people deliberately try to keep me from being able to recover from being in a state of “fight or flight” so that I am habituated towards acting belligerent and emotionally triggered instead of nonreactive as I used to be and otherwise would be.
In the past (back when I was starting to establish a daily mindfulness meditation practice), I was looking forward to becoming happier, calmer, and more focused over time as a result of doing that practice consistently. Sadly, I discontinued the practice as a result of feeling engulfed by the psychotronic harassment to the extent that I feel prevented from doing something I would consider to be one of the most reliable sources of self esteem and comfort I had to look forward to. The police keep denigrating the practice of mindfulness meditation as a waste of time “for little girls who don’t wanna grow up” when I think what they really think is this: “We do not want you to be able to live your life to the fullest. We want to take away that one thing you thought would always be your lifeline and source of power. Now that you do not have that, you are unstable, uprooted, and not able to take root in your own life. You are easy to manipulate and to bamboozle. We want to keep you that way.”
In the past I heard my mother say just let them have their way with you but she never explained what she meant. Now she acts as if she does not remember life before the police took over. My father acts the same way. I have not talked to other people in my life for years because this matter is so upsetting and I see so few people taking interest in what I have to say about it that I feel forced to pretend that I have moved on with my life and settled into a routine where I hardly need to talk to anyone and I hardly need to do anything but mundane chores which keep me busy and unavailable to socialize. I even have decided that it is best to let people think that I am mentally ill and that is why I have no friends and why I have no job and why I almost never attend social gatherings. I let people think that I am too mentally ill to do much other than menial labor which is hardly worth talking about so that I do not have to burden people with having to get to know me on a deeper level. I have decided that most other people are not prepared to hear what I have to say because what I have to say is very disturbing or, at the very least, takes too much time and too much effort to have to understand. For those who have an exceptionally high amount of motivation in understanding what I have to say, this website exists for them to peruse.
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