KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_71


KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_71


02_SEPTEMBER_2022: If you have a paid job, you are blessed. Not everyone who wants a paid job has one (and that might be because those people have been relegated to being permanently (or else long term) unemployed so that those people are prevented from doing anything other than surviving (and that may be a “lighter” form of punishment than is incarceration because it makes the punished person look free while that person is prevented from enjoying many of the liberties most other people seem to be allowed to enjoy)).

A lot of people seem to believe (or at least pretend that they believe) that I am too mentally ill to be offered a job nor to be taken seriously if I have something to talk about. It seems that many people prefer to keep me chronically underpaid, chronically sleep deprived, chronically deprived of respectful and kind treatment, chronically deprived of privacy and quietude (especially when I most sorely crave it), and placed in environments where it is extremely difficult for me to resist engaging in self sabotaging behaviors such as spending myself broke and hanging out in places where I am forced to inhale other people’s car fumes and cigarette smoke. Such people also seem to want me to feel cut off from being able to focus on my thoughts so that it appears that I have nothing substantial to think about (because the kinds of filibuster content other people seem to want me to be permanently preoccupied with makes me seem shallower, more sex obsessed, more race obsessed, more money obsessed, more violence obsessed, and less innovative than I really am). It seems that other people have little to do other than do the bare minimum to “earn their keep” and to prevent me from attaining lasting comfort, peace, vitality, and success.

I see people spend more time and energy trying to hurt me than I do seeing them investing resources towards trying to help me. The fact that almost no one has donated a cent to me via the PayPal links which are displayed on the home pages of my personal websites suggests that incoming donations are either being intercepted (as in stolen) or else almost no one is seriously interested in contributing donations to me via my websites.

“We want you to gedajawb first,” is what I imagine a Pig Gorl saying to me (but when I try to get a job, the prospective employer never follows up on my job application or, less commonly, the prospective employer notifies me that my job application has been declined). Then Pig Gorl says something vague, insulting, unhelpful, and designed to keep me from calming down such as, “That’s cuz yagodda gwow up fiwst.” When I ask, “What do I have to do to grow up,” she does not answer with anything practical. She usually just responds with vague, repetitive, and sexist insults.

So far there is no human being I currently am in contact with who seems to know about these painful dilemmas I have attempted to disclose in these “warmup journals”. Either such people do not know or else they pretend not to know. When I have attempted to discuss these things with them, those people were quick to dismiss me as insane.

What I think is going on is that other people are far less willing to communicate than I am about matters which might be dismissed as mere “conspiracy theories” because most other people do not want to be labeled insane and, hence, lose their job security and social status. Rather than try to talk to people about these matters face to face, I intend to mostly only talk about these matters through the Internet (even though I seem to be getting almost zero visitors to my websites).

This train of thought leads me back to one of the first journal entries which I added to this website. In that journal entry, I talked about how I would still keep publishing my writings to my personal websites even if I was the only audience because, at the very least, having a digital journal helps me remember things I might otherwise forget without the aid of an external memory device.

As damning of other people as this may sound, I believe that other people (including those who know me personally) know that I am in pain but pretend to be blissfully indifferent to the fact that I am in pain and, even worse, some of those people seem to know that I am in pain and that I know that I know that they know I am in pain and I see that those people are only willing to side against me and to not talk to me in an honest and open way so that I am forced to be in constant “live action role play” mode saying and doing whatever seems necessary to advance the plot without ending up incarcerated or otherwise personally disenfranchised. To be succinct, I do believe that people in my life derive sadistic pleasure from me being in a constant state of horror and agony and that such people are addicted to keeping me from exiting that state (or, at the very least, they seem to want to keep me on a cycle in which relief from being in almost suicide-level agony is very short-lived but frequent and satisfying enough to prevent me from exiting that loop).

In order to make it possible for me to exit this torture cycle, I think it would be in my best interest to put an end to these “warmup journals” and to minimize how much personal information I share online for now on so that all I have to talk about on my websites is relatively impersonal, emotionally neutral, dry, and “boring”. It will be very hard to avoid “showing off”, however because, as I have discovered, merely looking and sounding calm enough to discuss a news article apparently makes me look too calm, mentally healthy, and untroubled compared to what “the people” seem to want me to be. I have noticed that “the people” (i.e. what sounds like military-indoctrinated civilians) tend to immediately make protesting vocalizations whenever I think about subject matter other than how abused, maligned, uncomfortable, worried, and deprived I feel.

“The people” are so anti-supportive of my attempts to lead a life which I find satisfying that I do not feel motivated to go out of my way to serve “the people” (and my lack of desire to serve “the people” gives people more reason to treat me badly and to deny me opportunities to make money and to have fun outside of appearing to be under house arrest in a place where no human being other than myself seems to have compassion for me and genuine interest in what I have to say).

I imagine the people saying things like, “It’s okay. No one needs you to be smart. You don’t need to remember what you learned in college or while studying on your own. You only need to remember the information which keeps you in the subordinate and chronically unwell position we want you to be in. Love you!” (And that is tough love. The people think they are doing everyone a service by crippling me because they would rather my mind go to waste than to see my mind flourish because seeing my mind flourish makes the people feel that they are missing out and the people’s comfort matters more than my comfort does because “might makes right” and “majority rules”. If most of the people are okay with me being brain damaged against my will, then the people are implicitly voting for me to be brain damaged against my will. That is what they seem to be doing right now).

I am still tentatively planning on working in a warehouse instead of serving the people as a sycophant slave doing customer service even if that means I have to work night shifts and drive a car to get to work (at least until I can afford a bicycle. Once I get a decent bicycle, I can bike some or all of the time to work and, hence, minimize my dependence on the fossil fuels industry).

Note that, when I “threaten” to take a job which has me working exclusively night shifts, the people get angry and attempt to prevent me from being able to sleep during the day time because they want me to be forced to conform to their sleep and wake cycles and to be limited to jobs which force me to pose, smile, and take abuse from customers who deliberately try to take advantage of me while I am clocked into my shift as a customer service representative. I will nevertheless keep fighting for the “right” to sleep between work shifts in a place where I feel safe and comfortable (though I may need to change locations at times to avoid people because people frequently gang up on me and harass me whenever I am trying to enjoy some peace and quiet alone during Their day time in Their hiking place).

One last thing: especially because I think it is a good idea to minimize how redundant I sound in my journal writings, I plan to keep talking to myself even though other people seem to think it is a heinousness crime for me to speak unless I am being spoken to by some embodied person who is either calling me on the physical phone or else is in close physical proximity to me. Talking to myself out loud is usually the only time I get to talk to anyone at all. I almost never have conversations which are not shallow, hasty, and impersonal exchanges; “small talk” or else sycophantic spewings which I emit in order to get a task accomplished as quickly as possible and not because I genuinely enjoy most “conversations” I have with other humans.


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