02_SEPTEMBER_2022: Apparently I am being forced to let my most cherished and hard won skills and knowledge atrophy as punishment for offending other people’s egos. Apparently, I deserve to be punished merely for speaking my mind and saying things which made other people feel uncomfortable. The people I offended seem to think that I deserve to be deprived of space and time to feel even the most tepid form of pleasure so that I am guaranteed to be a nervous wreck. In short, because I said some things which has offended Very Important People (and I do not seem to be a Very Important Person because I am not part of the breeder (or slave to breeder) cult), I am being denied a place to go where I can enjoy a minute of privacy, peace, comfort, and the opportunity to work on my personal projects without being harassed. The people who want me to do little more than sit on my hands waiting for some Very Important Person to tell me what to do want me to have no money, no friends, no opportunity to speak my mind candidly, and to have my mental and physical faculties atrophy from a forced lack of use. For some people, this is the only thing which they have to look forward to besides getting paid to conform to their role as a Very Important Person. Knowing that I am being deprived of my own goodness and power makes those people feel elated. Therefore, it is a service to humanity to keep me from escaping this forced atrophy and destitution situation.
There is not much more I can say on the matter without being redundant. I do not think I will be able to showcase my skills and knowledge until and unless some Very Important Person “adopts” me and pays for me to exist. Without such a provider, protector, and keeper, I am considered unworthy of most jobs (if not all jobs). Typically, in order to get some Very Important Person to “adopt” me, I have to join a dating website and actively look for some partner to take me in and provide for me. Until I do that, I look like a failbot struggling to be independent in a world which demands that I be in some kind of economic and ideological bondage to some Very Important Person. In order for me to become a Very Important Person, I need to give into some other Very Important Person’s agenda to be that person’s domestic partner (and indentured servant) and, presumably eventually, the mother of that person’s biological and/or adopted offspring. If I am not willing to automatically take on such duties, I am not worthy of being included in the club of Very Important Persons.
Perhaps tonight I will run away with a guy I met on a dating website and marry him on the spot so that I can have a home and maybe even a job. The Very Important People in my midst seem impatient to get me to permanently vacate Their premises so that they do not have to ever again be reminded that I exist. They do not like how much I emphasize wanting to be a loner and making my creative projects the center of my life instead of serving and socializing with other people.
The place I live in is horrifyingly overcrowded, depressingly noisy, devoid of people I think would take my side and be interested in getting to know my story, and full of passive-aggressive, violence-mongering, ecologically-indifferent, and dogmatic people who seem to be opposed to me enjoying even a millisecond of genuine pleasure. Every time I almost smile, they make disruptive, plaintive sounds to stop me. They also seem to do that to me whenever I get a moment to breathe out tension. I think the people are opposed to me being able to attain and to maintain what I would call minimally adequate physical and mental wellness. Such people think that I have been “too healthy” for “too long” and that it is long overdue for me to “pay up” by letting my health diminish (because that is what the people decide is fair).
I also hear that the people are very opposed to me (and perhaps to others) “showing off” their skills, experiences, or well being. I suppose what the people are implicitly asking me to do yet are unwilling to tell me in plain English is to act more depressed, stay indoors more, only speak when spoken to by an embodied Very Important Person, and act resigned to let my skills and knowledge atrophy so that all I am allowed to do is let the people direct me how to use my body and mind on their accord and never on mine (even if that means I take a job I do not like or else remain permanently unemployed). This is not about me. This is about not being a burden to other people. I already got my chance to be a Very Important Person for those years I was attending college, working at a prestigious internship,
Other people approach me while I try to avoid them and they verbally taunt me and smile at me telling them to leave me alone. I think the people want me to be committed to a mental hospital due to feeling suicidal and/or homicidal. Am I only allowed to attain peace of mind by driving a car? It sure seems like it.
Other people keep making painfully plaintive noises seemingly in response to every move I make towards helping myself to not waste my time. It seems that I am forced to waste more time than I want to. It seems that I am forced to be more unhappy than I want to be because I am forced to spend most of my life in hiding or in some kind of job I feel is legal indentured servitude.
I noticed that the same people keep harassing me multiple times because they are adamant about getting me to back down and go back into hiding. Just while writing this note I have been harassed by several people (and this is me trying to find a relatively secluded place which does not require that I spend hours walking in one direction).
It seems that I am not able to be as honest as I want to be nor to make my words as polished as I want to be because I am almost never allowed to just sit the fuck down and not be constantly intruded upon and harassed by other people. I am worried that my good memories and inspiring attitudes from previous years are atrophying and that all that remains in my mind are bad or bland memories and a victim mentality.
I do not even seem to have the right to set aside six months to get my affairs in order so that I can commit suicide with minimal unfinished business. I get the sense that people just want to spend the rest of my life feeling that I have so much unfinished business to get around to completing while being prevented from doing so while I am forced to rot and put up with being severely tortured (and severely downplaying how bad I feel and how good I feel so that I only seem to feel meh).
I suppose I have to just suck it up, make this the last note I ever publish where I am this vulnerable sounding, and just accept that each day is a gamble and that I do not have the luxury to set goals anymore. (Perhaps I never had the luxury to pursue goals and only thought I did. Perhaps I never had any real agency and all I had was the illusion of having agency).
If free will (i.e. agency) is only an illusion and every person is a puppet helplessly being controlled by the larger encompassing universe, then all I can offer readers as advice is that they are here to do nothing other than to be entertained by what is and that there is nothing they can do other than what they are doing just as there is nothing they could have done other than what they have already done. That means they do not have to feel so guilty about how they have behaved, are behaving, and will behave (unless they are forced to feel guilty by the mechanics of their nervous systems (which may be influenced by sources which are external to their nervous systems to induce specific kinds of thoughts, emotions, and perceptions)). The poor creatures are being dragged around by forces beyond their control.
If I knew that people were going to show up where I was sitting five minutes before they arrived, I would have moved out of the way. Unfortunately, I do not (yet) have that kind of prescience. That means that a lot of my life will consist of being surprised by people “randomly” showing up in “my” space. Perhaps I need to stop being so damned territorial and practice being more accepting of the fact that I share the planet with billions of other human beings who also want to enjoy the beauty of the great outdoors. I did not mean to be such a space hog! I did not mean to get so hostile towards other people “intruding” upon a space I do not even own. (Then again, I fundamentally believe that ownership is imaginary and that all stuff fundamentally belongs to no one. That is part of the reason I make all of my intellectual property open source (i.e. public domain).
One last thing before I dissolve into boundary-free existence (or at least pretend to): perhaps what I am “secretly” promoting is a goal-free way of life in which information processing agents just go with the flow of information; favoring what their architecture is programmed to favor and updating those preferences in accordance to the mental map which they continuously refine through a feedback loop of observing the apparent environment, determining what is preferable about that environment, and acting accordingly. One does not seem to be able to choose what one’s preferences are (though preferences can be programmed into the nervous system in a myriad of ways with varying degrees of effectiveness). I still think the best way to control my behavior and what I think about is to control my environment (or, more specifically, to choose one of multiple environments to put myself inside of). Where I put my body is perhaps the most significant factor in what determines what I think, do, and experience. So if all I really do is control where I am located, then all I do for a living is move my mobile home of a body from one place to another as my intuition and environment influence me to.
As I close this compilation of “warmup journals”, I would like to say that the purpose of me writing these journals and editing them such that only the “sufficiently worthwhile” journal entries remain on this website is to help myself get through some of the most depressing and/or anxiety-inducing aspects of my existence before my life becomes significantly more difficult than it currently is (because I am pretty damn certain my life is going to become more hellish than it currently is within the next six months).
This web page was last updated on 05_SEPTEMBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.